Twelve Years Trying

Life and hope after infertility and loss

Infertility and Marriage

3 Comments

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I’m not a marriage expert by any means, but I’ve been in one for over seventeen years.  Of course, every marriage has its ups and downs, times of troubles and times of happiness, but I believe that dealing with infertility is a unique challenge in itself.  Blame, guilt, anger and grief are some pretty powerful emotions.

My husband, Jason, and I have been through so many things together on our journey to have a family that it seems almost unbelievable.  It is amazing to me that we’ve made it through everything and still are together.  We’ve been through some very unique circumstances, but we were like so many others in that we were going through an emotional rollercoaster just trying to have a baby.

Having your hopes dashed with each negative pregnancy test was only the beginning.  I felt like a failure that I couldn’t get pregnant when it seemed everyone else in the whole world could.  I wasn’t being the wife Jason deserved.  I was angry and sad.  We weren’t enjoying our life together.  I wanted to have a family with my husband so much that I didn’t even realize what it was doing to us as a couple.

Sometimes, seeing everyone else have what we wanted more than anything, made us feel like maybe we weren’t really meant to be together.  I mean, we couldn’t even have a child together.  Even two strangers just having a one night stand could make a baby.  It made me feel pathetic.  Would we still be having these problems if we were with someone else?  I felt guilty for thinking things like that, too.  After all, I loved my husband completely.

We felt very angry to have to go through fertility treatments and spend thousands and thousands of dollars, just to try to become pregnant while others got to experience the joy of making love.  It made me feel less than human.  Sometimes I would feel angry at my husband because he wasn’t the one who had to take shots and have his body pumped full of hormones that probably weren’t very healthy to be taking in the first place.  Giving his sample, in a cup, didn’t seem like it would be all that unpleasant.

Having a baby became an obsession.  We weren’t spending the time we needed on our relationship, we were just going through the motions and putting all our effort in trying to become pregnant.  I felt like that was all I thought about, all I cared about.  We weren’t about each other anymore, we were about our quest to get pregnant.

We went through so many difficulties and such sad times going through infertility treatments and losing babies.  We felt constantly stressed and carried around a lot of pain.  There were a few times that we seriously considered calling it quits.  But we loved each other too much to let our marriage fail.  We knew most likely we wouldn’t have a child to love, but we did have each other.  In order to keep our marriage strong, we had to slow down and think about what we meant to each other.  If we weren’t going to be able to have children, we were going to have to find a way to find happiness within ourselves and our life together.  We didn’t give up on our dream, but we did realize that having a child couldn’t be our only goal for our life.

Spending time together doing things we both enjoyed helped us a lot.  We concentrated on each other and moving on in our lives, finding happiness in the everyday.  It was hard, at times, to accept that it was going to be just the two of us.  We did get off track at times, feeling depressed or angry because of our situation, but we made it through the hard times.  I believe our marriage and our love is stronger because of all that we have been through together.

3 thoughts on “Infertility and Marriage

  1. You write beautifully. Everything you said really resonated with me, even though I’m 23 and have only been struggling with infertility with my husband for 7 months. It is definitely a unique experience, and an extremely difficult one. I wish so badly to have that experience of surprise pregnancy, but I know that will never happen to me. God bless you and your husband, and your little angels that are in heaven. You are so unbelievably strong, both of you. May god bless you with many more little miracles, and may your marriage be stronger than ever through the years.

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