Twelve Years Trying

Life and hope after infertility and loss

Nine Years Ago

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Nine years ago today, our little Jessany Jade was born.  She was born at 24 weeks, after an emergency cerclage, for what was later diagnosed as an incompetent cervix.  Jessany weighed only one pound, five ounces.  She was incredibly strong for her size and we were told by the doctor that she was doing great.  She was even breathing on her own for a while right after her birth.

I was so scared when I first saw Jessany.  She had so many different cords hooked up to her body that she was almost completely covered with them.  I was expecting to feel joy when I saw my newborn daughter, but I was beyond terrified.  I didn’t feel happiness at all.  I knew I was the reason this was happening to my sweet little baby.  After all, it was my body that had betrayed her.  Less than a year earlier the same thing had happened to her twin brothers, Griffin and Gavin.  They were so premature that they hadn’t even been able to successfully take a breath.  We were told that there wasn’t a reason that we lost our little boys, but obviously it was me.  It had happened again, with our beautiful baby girl.

Jessany only survived for 25 hours.  She did so well until the end of her first day of life.  She suffered a brain hemorrhage because of her extreme prematurity.  She died in my arms.  Jessany was absolutely perfect, just so very tiny.  We were absolutely devastated to lose our baby girl.  We had been struggling with infertility for so many years and had just lost our twin boys not that long before.  Jessany was our miracle.  We had finally been blessed with a child to complete our family, but she was taken from us before we could give her the life and love we dreamed of for her.

We will never forget our little girl.  Even though she was with us for such a short time, she will be forever in our hearts.  She is a part of us.  My husband and I struggled to move on after Jessany’s death.  We made a lot of mistakes in dealing with our grief, but in time we did begin to heal.

I can now think back to that time and feel blessed to have known her, even for the short time we did.  I don’t feel the deep pain that left me so empty for so many years.  Knowing Jessany has helped me become the mother that I am today and for that I am grateful.

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